For years, I’ve always been uncomfortable taking full bodied photos. I would always turn my body inwards. I never knew where to place my hands. If there were other people in the picture, I’d hide as much as I could behind them. As a child and an adolescent, I was naturally very thin and tall—long, lanky limbs attached to an even longer torso. My family affectionately nicknamed me Betty Spaghetti and Olive Oil (insert eye roll). Until this day, my family still mentions how skinny I was. Though it may have just been playful banter, these remarks from my family shaped the way that I felt about my body and initiated an ongoing inner dialogue about body image.
As I got older, it seemed that many of my interactions with friends, strangers, and the media were related to body image. More often than not, I was made to feel like something was wrong with my body type. In elementary and middle school, I was constantly teased by girls who were more physical developed, and turned away by boys who had deemed me as undesirable. I didn’t fill out my clothes like some of my other classmates. Despite the world’s attempts to make me self-conscious about myself, I was surprisingly resilient. I developed my own, quirky sense of style. I firmly embraced my body and who I was.
After high school, I attended a women’s college in the south. Did you hear me? The south, the home of fried chicken Wednesdays and fish Fridays. During holiday and summer breaks, my family and friends would comment on how “thick” I was getting. I hadn’t noticed, and to be honest, many people at school were “thick”. As I bounced to and from school, the thickness ebbed and flowed. Then, between the ages of 23 to 25, I naturally underwent a total body transformation. I went from a skinny, awkward teen to big booty vixen of the year. After years of patience and obedience, God finally blessed me with my grown woman body!
Although I was thrilled to finally have some curves, I was also quite uncomfortable, specifically around men. They started to stare a little longer. Conversations became a little different. All of a sudden, I was receiving attention that I’d never gotten before, and I didn’t know what to do with it. Most of that attention was unwanted, inappropriate, and just downright vulgar (cc: harassment). Were these the consequences of having a curvy body? Was this my fault for silently praying to gain weight? Were my clothes too tight? God didn’t seem to give me an answer, so my resolution was to dial my style back a bit. Once a carefree girl who would don a pair of shorts and a tank top every day during the summer, I now felt the incessant urge to desexualize my body by wearing “modest” clothing which, honestly, did not stop my body from being sexualized (side note: you can wear whatever the hell you want.) As I went from one body type to the total opposite, I struggled to maintain a positive outlook on self-image, weight management, and self-confidence. In my late 20s, I moved into my first apartment alone. Living alone means no bedtime, no pants, and no restrictions on food!
Well, all of those late night pizza deliveries and Chick Fil A lunches were starting to show. My body wasn’t as resilient as it used to be when it came to fat burning. It was then that I decided to go into #snapback mode. I started doing hardcore workouts, such as HIIT several times a week. I tried the no meat, no carb, no sugar, juice detox, and whatever other diets I could to jumpstart my weight loss journey. Honestly, it wasn’t as extreme as it sounds. However, I was unhappy, and it didn’t feel natural to me. I liked all types of food. The workouts left me extremely sore and exhausted. Finally, about 2 years ago, I had this lightbulb moment. No matter what, I have to be OK with whatever body God gives me. Whether I’m skinny or thick, muscular or soft, healthy or sick, it’s imperative that I acknowledge my body’s capabilities as well as its appearance. It sounds like one of those things that we all should know. However, I find that lessons like this aren’t internalized until you experience them yourself. My body is more than tight jeans, low cut tops, and form fitting dresses. My body allows me to move. To exist. To live. I decided that I could find ways to balance my desire to look good on the outside with healthy habits that would also make me feel good inside. I traded HIIT workouts for more movement throughout the day. Fast food runs for homemade versions. Eating to eat for eating for nutrition. From that perspective, I learned to demonstrate gratitude by truly taking care of my body, which includes being disciplined with what I eat and drink, being attentive to any aches and pains, allowing it to move freely, and incorporating adequate rest into my daily routine. Although I’m still learning and trying new things, I can truly say that I have a better grasp on what healthy means for me, and what it will look like in the future.
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