From birth to about age 11, I grew up in Philadelphia, a gritty city where you’re taught to keep quiet and mind your business. Through adolescence and young adulthood, that rule stuck with me, and has kept me away from the troubles that many around me have endured. A couple of years ago, however, I started observing the actions, situations, and behaviors of some of my friends, and they weren’t so good. I felt uncomfortable and embarrassed by their choices, but their choices weren’t mine to make. These people were adults who could distinguish good behavior from bad behavior. Through my experiences as a young adult, I had developed the perception that everyone was free to make their own decisions, free of judgment or consequence by other people.
If that was true, then why did I feel like this?
As a follower of Jesus, I strive daily to strengthen my relationship with Him in various ways. As our relationship grows, I can tell when He is convicting me to adjust my own thoughts and behaviors, or to take action in my life. It’s a powerful feeling that strikes you instantly, stopping you in your tracks. His voice is crystal clear. You feel compelled, in that moment, to carry out whatever task he has called you to do, no matter what your flesh desires. Throughout our relationship, Jesus has convicted me in many ways to clean up my act and live a life that is more aligned to His word.
I realized that the feelings I was having towards my friends were feelings of conviction. I just didn’t realize it because I hadn’t been convicted in this way before. Typically, my convictions are personal, prompting me to act on behalf of my own life, not the lives of other people. So when I finally understood that God wanted me to speak to my friends about their choices, I tried to shut it down.
“Ok, God. You really want me to do this?”
“I thought that was your job?”
“I’m not perfect! I’m still getting my own life together. How am I supposed to tell them about theirs?”
“Lord, I know you have many other disciples who are more qualified than me to do this.”
I know I shouldn’t question God, but sometimes I have questions.And when I ask Him these questions, He may or may not give me an answer. Although he may remain silent, the absence of an answer is not the termination of the mission.
After several unanswered prayers and Google searches, I decided to write this article.
Correction vs. Judgment
Ephesians 5:11-“Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.”
People—not fancy houses, cars, or clothes--should be the most important things to us in this world. With the proper nourishment and care, people become the most elevated versions of themselves. They evolve into loving, whole and healed individuals who are then able to share that goodness with others. Whether we like it or not, all of us are responsible for caring about one another. As children of God, we must accept the duties that were bestowed upon us, one of which includes looking out for everyone. Somewhere down the line, however, care became synonymous with feeling good. Therefore, whatever makes us and our loved ones feel good—whether that includes food, alcohol, sex, or something else—is permissible and constitutes as care.
Nope.
Care- watchful or protective attention, caution, concern, prudence, or regard: Charge, supervision.
Now, compare society’s definition with the actual definition. Completely opposite, right?
As chosen friends and loved ones, the role we play in the lives of others isn’t limited to just fun and good times. It also includes checking in on their health, their goals, and their emotional and spiritual wellness. If their lifestyle isn’t serving their purpose, then it’s time for you to speak up as a friend.
Judgment- A formal utterance of an authoritative opinion.
This is where my feelings of discomfort really bloomed. We are taught by society and by God that we cannot judge the lives of others. Through God’s wisdom, however, I learned that correction is not judgment. Correction is realignment according to a set of values. If an editor asks me to make corrections within an article I’ve written, I’d gladly do so. Making the corrections does not mean that I am a bad writer, or that the article is poor. It simply means that I needed to make adjustments in order to fit the original purpose of the piece. Correcting a friend has the same implications. As the messenger, you are not shaming your friends by emphasizing questionable choices or behaviors. Instead, you are calling attention to their actions in accordance to their own values. Your intentions are rooted in God, which makes the act even more meaningful.
We are only as good as the people we surround ourselves with. Therefore, in order to develop rich, meaningful relationships with our friends, we have to be willing to “go there.”
Proverbs 27:17 (NLT)- “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”
Bad Reception
Galatians 5:17-18- “Our sinful selves want what is against the Spirit, and the Spirit wants what is against our sinful selves. The two are against each other, so you cannot do just what you please. But if the Spirit is leading you, you are not under the law.
Galatians 5: 19-22- “The wrong things the sinful self does are clear: being sexually unfaithful, not being pure, taking part in sexual sins, worshipping gods, doing witchcraft, hating, making trouble, being jealous, being angry, being selfish, making people angry with each other, causing divisions among people, feeling envy, being drunk, having wild and wasteful parties, and doing other things like these. I warn you now as I warned you before” Those who do these things will not inherit God’s kingdom.”
Open the Instagram app, go to your favorite celebrity’s page, and read the comments under one of their more provocative posts. There’s probably a handful of people condemning the post, while the majority of commenters are in support of it. The ones who are doing the condemning are then labeled as haters, fake fans, and even worse. “Let them live” and “It’s not bothering you” are two phrases that I see a lot. We have become a culture of “positive vibes” and “good energy only”. Anything that isn’t “speaking life” into us gets blocked, unfollowed, unfriended, and ghosted.
When preparing to approach a friend, ask God to help you find the right words to say. Emphasize their behavior, not their character. Listen to them with a tender heart, and be ready to support them if they ask for help. Also, it’s very important not to be judgmental. We all have work to do in different areas of our lives, so there’s no room to exalt ourselves over someone else.
Unfortunately, these conversations may not go as planned. Sometimes, we miss out on opportunities for personal growth and effective communication because we’re too busy being offended by truth, accountability, and responsibility.
Being a follower of God and a responsible friend means that you need to prepare yourself for persecution. People will not always like what you say, and they will tell you so. They may call you names. They may even end the friendship. Despite the outcome, you have to remind yourself that you did the right thing. While we can lead the horse to water, we can’t always make them drink.
It’s difficult to see our own missteps when we’re distracted by difficult emotions. What we may view as the right path may actually be the road to destruction. As friends, our loved ones expect us to jump in when something’s amiss. How would you feel if you had the chance to speak up and take action, but you remained silent instead? Although God is working in and on us individually, He also works through us to help the people we love. Reflect on the mentors, teachers, and friends that have influenced your life in a positive way. They may have said something that you didn’t want to hear, but certainly, it made you a better person. Each day, we have an opportunity to make the same profound impact on someone else, just by being a good friend.